So today has been kind of a weird day,
I spent a lot of the day remembering things from my childhood,
all of which were bad memories.
It's hard for me to think of my early childhood, ages 8-13 were bad times.
A lot of confusion, a lot of binge eating, a lot of tears, a lot of resentment.
Some of the memories I don't wish to tell you guys, and it's not that I don't trust all of you, it's just I haven't told anyone about some of the stuff that happened to me, and I'm not ready to.
But I did do a lot of thinking of my bullying experiences, and no, I was not the bully.
I know too many kids go through being bullied, and my case is definitely one of the milder ones, but it still has lasting effects on me.
I remember my two bullies names, I'll remember them for as long as I live.
River and Wade. River and Wade. River. Wade.
River was definitely the worst one.
I remember going to class one day, and I haven't seen River in class for a while, and on that day, the teacher told us that River's dad had died.
I didn't feel pity, I didn't feel sad for him, and I don't feel bad that I felt that way.
I remember going home and telling my sister that his Dad died, and I told her "Good for him, he deserves it." And she hit me so hard and told me that no one deserves to lose a Dad.
But I remember still not feeling pity for him, I kept thinking, "Well good, maybe now he'll know what it's like."
Maybe now he'll know what it's like to be sad, to feel pain.
Maybe now he'll stop calling me "the thing" or "monster"
Maybe now he'll stop pushing me to the ground, and ripping my binders up.
Maybe now he'll stop ripping out my hair.
.. The Thing.
That was my name.
Everyday, just "the thing", that was the worst of it.
A thing, not worthy of kindness, peace, love.
No feelings, no thoughts, just a thing.
I was not even human to them.
It was definitely hard to hear that everyday,
I remember coming home, and I'd just lay on the couch and bawl, everyday.
And of course, I'd binge eat, trying desperately to fill the gaping wounds in my self esteem,
and I put on pounds, so then they called me fat, lazy, worthless ... it was a ruthless unending cycle.
But I don't think I've ever actually seen River again, after his Dad died,
so then Wade backed off as well and I could bury the awful school year with more food, repressing it the best I could.
And I repressed it well .. until today, where all the memories came flooding back and I was burdened with the excruciating pain that I felt back then.
It's hard for me.
These memories about my bullies are hard, but the ones I can't tell you about are harder, so it's been a tiring, emotional day.
I felt like I needed to tell you guys though, because I know a lot of people have had it worse with bullying,
but I want you guys to know that it does get better, I made it.
And yes, you will have bad memories and maybe you'll repress them like me, and they will come back someday, and leave you feeling the pain all over again, but this time, I'm going to deal with the pain the right way, I'm not going to binge eat, or bawl myself into feeling better, I'm going to talk about it, and accept it, and forgive them.
I love you guys so much,
remember you're never alone <3
What are your experiences with bullying? Were you bullied, the bully, the bystander?? Please share with me, because it's a good way to cope with it